thinking(over)

I've been thinking a lot about when I was first alone.
Not alone, but present with nothing but my own thoughts.
At the age of 14 I first learned what it meant to be
alone in a bathroom.

when I say in a bathroom what I really mean is 

I find it hard to focus when I'm around anybody but myself and I think that was 

the day that I realised that I was in fact my own dragon.

I needed to be my own knight in shining armour. 

Armour is probably not the correct word.

The only protection I have is the walls I built around myself in order to hide
from the world that was trying to sculpt me.

now, when I say hide I mean fight

because I fight - my God if feels like I spend my life fighting. 

Fighting to gain hope tradable for some semblance of something more. 

One of my favourite poets told me that
you can not think your way to a full table
but my currency is worthless in this lifetime and all I am trying to do is
build a sterdy house on a lopsided street.

The whole world is right at my doorsteps and
I want to be able to get out of bed to see it.
I've been thinking a lot about everything.
everything and nothing

you see, when I say that i've been thinking I mean that my head has been running way faster
than I am capable of catching up to.
you see, my legs are awefully tired and thats why i spend so much time in bed.
because i've been running right,
I've been running after my thoughts but they have a head start and
Im not too sure that i can muster another mile.

I've been thinking a lot about the cardboard smile, the back door of the room
that leads to nowhere
 but my own isolation
perhaps if I spent less time thinking and more time doing
I wouldn't be in this mess?

you see - my thoughts make me anxious.
now, when I say anxious I mean crippled to my spot -
heart pounding, head aching, limbs immobilised unnable to see anything
other than my own anxiety.

All I muster is a simple sentence -
Get out of your own head.
If only
I could.