On Forgiveness (First draft)

I have been told that forgiveness is voluntary,
that it is a release of negative emotions despite the offence.
I grew up being told that forgiveness is more for the victim than the offender.
I never really understood that until now.

From a very young age -
I have felt the stab of betrayal,
the ache of loss and the yearn for more.
But I am yet to learn the true meaning of forgiveness.

I do know that I still care -
I may not want you close by but I check up on you in my own way.
Facebook has become my greatest insight; but
there is only so much social media can tell you.

I forget what your voice sounds like.
I have forgotten what it is like to hug you.
To have someone just go - leave like that
it leaves a gap.

You know, distance is hard but death is harder
and over this past year I have felt loss like you would not believe.

What I wouldn't do to just be with you -
sat, maybe talking over a glass of wine.
just sitting
 sitting would be nice

I want to tell you everything you've missed.
All the good
and so much bad.
I want to cry to you about the one who hurt me and then explain how
happy I am with the one who gives me the world.

Butterflies erupt in the pit of my stomach and I am so content
but nothing can fill the gap shaped like you and 3 lost years.
I am so sorry.

I am so sorry that I never learnt the true meaning of forgiveness
I am so sorry that your decisions still haunt me
I am so sorry that I cannot get over the trauma.
I am sorry that I never gave you the chance to be the person I wish you would be.

What sucks the most is that I know
I know you care but I have Finally learnt to love myself
enough
to not be around the toxicity that almost took me
 before I was old enough to drink.
but I am sorry I am so stubborn.

Forgiveness for me is an echo of a lost light.
Apologies over breakfast for the drunken beating
no repercussions.
Its 'I love you, it wont happen again', two days of peace before
a smashed glass and tender bruises.

but forgiveness is something I refused to let myself latch onto.
Addiction - literal and psychological is a bitch - I know.
I too was addicted to someone who was bad for me
The only difference is I learnt from the mistakes I witnessed
I knew when to walk away.
I knew when to choose me.
Most importantly - I am sorry that I couldn't make you see how much better
we could have been without him.

Without him - This would be a completely different poem.
a different story.
a different life.
a message in passing not the elephant in the room on family occasions.

I hope to see you again soon - but for now I wait.
I just wanted you to know
I care and I love you. But the forgiveness I was taught leaves scars and
Im done cleaning up spilled blood.